So You Want to Become a Vampire

Whether or not to let yourself be turned into a vampire is one of the biggest decisions in a person's life and like every important decision it can be based on what we've seen in movies. Say some tall stranger with pale skin, awesome hair and a vaguely Slavic-sounding name sits down next to you at Sbarro tonight and asks "Do you want to become a Creature of the Night, my child?" Don't be put off. That's how they talk. (It's how you'll talk, too. That's your first warning from me.) Calmly ask him to produce some fangs. If he can't, find the nearest mall cop. If he can, it's decision time. Will you be ready? I don't believe you will, so I've come up with a list of things to consider before baring your neck.

1. Know the Rules - The Lost Boys (1987) 

It may sound counterintuitive but the first thing you want to do is ask him if he'd like to share a slice of your pizza. It's the same as any club, you want to know the rules before joining. Films have helped in establishing what those rules could be but each one follows a different set of them. You'll want to suss out which ones do or do not apply in your movie. So: 

They may be able to make you believe rice tastes like maggots, but will it taste like maggots when you're one of them? 

What will sunlight do to you? Slowly burn you alive (or, uh, undead? That's another thing you want to be prepared for: the awkward transition in terminology), instantly turn you into "flesh-colored goo" or make you sparkle? 

Do crosses work? What about holy water? If so, is it the Tinkerbell Rule where it only works if the person really believes? Sub-question: Are you a useful stooge in a bid for hegemony by the Catholic Church? If so, you may be able to turn vampire hunter enemies into pawns of your own by convincing them that the true enemy is organized religion, not the walking corpse who feasts on human blood (if they're lapsed Catholics, this will be easier than it sounds). 

Most importantly, is this going to happen if you so much as brush up against someone's home stereo? If so, you'll want to ask the owner to hit the fast-forward button first. There are better songs from the Lost Boys soundtrack to hear right before your head bursts into twenty pieces. What about the Echo and the Bunnymen cover of "People Are Strange?" Not dramatic enough? You don't want "Cry Little Sister," do you? You'll only look pretentious. What about "I Still Believe?" The most any of us can ask for is to laugh as we die, and how are you going to go out with a frown when you think about this? 

2. Don't Assume It Will Change Who You Are -  Fright Night (1985)

Why do you want to be a vampire? Is it because you think once the blood takes hold you'll be a lot cooler? You'll become sex on legs, like Jerry from Fright Night? You won't unless you're most of the way there already. You may take on a knowing attitude and start sounding like a Victorian dandy but your basic personality won't change. This is Evil Ed from the same movie as a human:

This is Evil Ed as a vampire:

No further comment required.

3. Choose the Right Age to Become Immortal - Near Dark (1987)

If you still want to be a vampire after seeing Evil Ed there's no talking you out of it so I'll use the rest of these for tips about becoming, and living as, a vampire.  The first thing you want to do is make sure your current physical state is how you want to look for the rest of eternity. You're not an Elf in a fantasy novel. You're not going to continue aging until you reach your attractiveness potential and then stop. It's the Cocoon Rule (yes, Brian Dennehy and Tahnee Welch were vampires, not aliens. We'll discuss this more later): "We'll never be sick. We won't get any older and we won't ever die." Emphasis on the "won't get any older" part. I present the character of Homer. 

In this and River's Edge, Joshua John Miller was puffy-cheeked prepubescent androgyny at its most unpleasant and that was used to good effect. As a human, JJM's had the chance to lose the baby fat and grow a beard. Homer would never get that opportunity. Unless they were casting for the King of the Cherubs in a sequel to The Prophecy or Legion most people wouldn't have much use for your looks. So, if you're an unhappy 12-year-old, give it time. You'll fill out and come into your own. Then you can start eating people. 

4. Choose the Right Familiar -  Let the Right One In (2008) 

Assume that sunlight will kill you. That makes you vulnerable. You could use a guardian. Some vampires choose werewolves for this, but what are werewolves? Are they cursed by moonlight or merely shapeshifters? So many variables. Can I suggest a human? I'm not volunteering, but that's for the same reason I'd recommend our kind. 

One of the ways it was superior to the American remake was Let Me In made the tragedy explicit. And it is a tragedy. Let the Right One In just shows it in reverse order like Memento. The end comes before the beginning. In forty years Oskar/Owen is going to be Hakan/Richard Jenkins, and this is going to happen again. You'll be sad briefly but you'll find another lonely, impressionable youth willing to go out and farm blood for you until he outlives his usefulness. I admit that this is an easier tactic for a female/female-looking vampire to try. Homer could never pull this off. 

5. Choose the Right Cover - From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) 

Most vampires are nomadic. It makes people suspicious when the dead have teeth marks. The alternative is to come up with a good front or cover identity. There are no absolutes when it comes to this. It's more of a case-by-case. Maybe the best way to describe what you want to avoid is to give you an example of a poorly thought-out front: 

What's wrong with that? No bad answers.

"If you want to be inconspicuous don't build a topless bar on top of an Aztec pyramid?" 

Sure, but that's not the worst part. 

"Well, that sign is .. "

Ignore the sign. 

"Don't stand in front of your place of business with a microphone and yell about 'pussy?'" 

Normally I'd agree with you but his place of business is, as mentioned, a topless bar on top of an Aztec pyramid in "a desolate part of Mexico." What's the difference? 

"Then I give up .. "

Even with that hint? Did you see the other sign? The one that said "Mexican Food?" If I'm a trucker pulling off the road because I feel like yanking on someone's nipples and I drive past that I'm thinking "Wait, why are all the signs in English? Why are they advertising 'Mexican Food' in a Mexican bar? Nice try, vampires." It makes them look like aliens trying to hide among the humans. What they want to look like is aliens trying to "free" the humans. 

Am I suggesting that in your Cocoon, Wilford Brimley and Jessica Tandy are turned into vampires? No, what I'm suggesting is that in your Cocoon the boat flies away (if vampires can fly in our Cocoon; see #1) and with everyone crying loudly at grandma and grandpa getting to go live in Alien Heaven the sound of the splashes their blood-drained corpses make as they're dropped into the ocean is barely audible and no one's going to go looking for them or you afterwards. That's a good cover identity.

So, to sum up: know what to expect and plan accordingly, don't hire Stephen Geoffreys to be in your movie, take a little time to do some exercise and get the right haircut before you lock yourself in, scour middle school playgrounds for a potential thrall but be careful because appearances are everything. Is this an exhaustive list? No, but I'm saving the rest for when you hire me as your personal consultant later. I plan to be awash in Vampire Bucks. I knew watching all these movies would get me somewhere.