Stone Cold (1991)

In 1991, the American action movie reigned supreme. The genre's rise to box office prominence had begun in the mid-80s with a string of one-man army flicks starring Arnold Schwarzenegger (Commando, Raw Deal, Predator) and Sylvester Stallone (Rambo: First Blood Part II, Cobra, Rambo III). By 1990, pictures starring the likes of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal were regularly posting domestic gross figures in excess of $40 million. Ticket sales for this type of film began to decline in 1992, and by 1997 most of these titles went directly to video. 1991 was the pinnacle of the action era and it saw the release of the definitive action movie: Stone Cold.

Stone Cold stars former NFL player Brian Bosworth as Joe Huff, an Alabama cop who's just been suspended for insubordination. It isn't clear exactly what Huff did to earn this punishment (punishment? The suspension is "with pay." That's what those of us who don't work in law enforcement call "vacation," and if insubordination was the key to getting more of it our managers would be greeted with "fuck you" choruses upon arriving at the office every morning), but it probably had something to do with his haircut. I'm jumping ahead, though. Let's back up to...

The opening scene: We're in a supermarket. Hmmm. My guess is this place is going to be robbed. Yep. That greasy-ponytailed guy just took out the security camera with a shotgun (after giving it a two-second close-up of his face). I guess he's trying to intimidate the tape into erasing its contents. I was going to call this guy Ponytail, but the subtitles, which I turned on because I wanted to make sure that he did indeed yell "I love it!" after his cohort shot up a display of Ritz crackers, refer to him as Master Psycho, and that works for me. His cohort, a black man in a stocking cap, now turns his machine gun on the chips. Master Psycho expresses approval by shouting, "Big fun!"

There's a bearded guy with dark glasses forcing a woman to the ground. Either he's with Master Psycho and Stocking Cap or he's going to take advantage of the opportunity to sexually assault the lady while everyone else is distracted. No, no, it's the former. His name's Charlie and he's just been instructed by Master Psycho to empty the cash register. "Hot!" says Master Psycho.

In most supermarkets the store entrance is in direct view of the checkout lanes, but keep in mind that this is Alabama and things are done differently here. As a result, Master Psycho and his fellow mischief-makers don't actually see Joe Huff enter the store through its automatic doors (which would have to be in a back corner of the store for his arrival to have gone unnoticed) and begin pushing a shopping cart up and down its aisles. They're only alerted to his presence when they hear one of the cart's wheels squeaking.

Master Psycho orders Charlie to investigate. Why Charlie? He's emptying the cash register. Stocking Cap is just standing around looking for more food to shoot at. Wouldn't it make more sense to send him? Well, it's academic now.

A gunshot is heard, but Charlie doesn't reappear. Master Psycho's eyes get wide and he commands Stocking Cap to go and see what happened. Stocking Cap hesitates, but after Master Psycho insists he heads toward the back of the store.

What the hell? Was that the sound of a body flying into a glass display case?

Now Master Psycho is scared. He grabs himself a hostage and walks her into one of the aisles with his shotgun to her head.

A noise behind him!

Master Psycho turns and fires!

Oh, shit. That was just a can of spinach that had been thrown from the next aisle over and -- FUCK! -- now Master Psycho's gun is jammed!

Master Psycho starts to panic. He pushes his hostage away and charges down the aisle at full speed. In his haste he fails to notice the puddle of water that has appeared on the floor at the end of the aisle. He slips on the water and flies a good fifteen feet through the air and into a Coca-Cola display.

Big fun!

Huff passes some of his fellow cops as he exits the store. One of them reminds him that he's on suspension and another, presumably Huff's superior, asks him what he has to say for himself. Huff's reply: "You've got a clean-up on aisle four."

Then the opening title sequence begins.

So now that Brian Bosworth has demonstrated that he's a legitimate action star by dispatching a gang of thugs in a retail establishment (a la Sylvester Stallone in Cobra, Steven Seagal in Hard to Kill, or Jean-Claude Van Damme in Kickboxer), we can get to the main plot.

There's a biker gang called The Brotherhood that's been causing some problems in Mississippi. It all starts when one of the gang's members, Trouble Owens (and that's exactly how his name appears on the court docket when he's later tried for murder), guns down a Catholic priest for....well, for no apparent reason whatsoever (if you're the type of person who needs to understand a character's motives, this probably isn't the film for you). Owens is convicted of the crime and sentenced to 45 years in prison (this is, after all, Mississippi. Most murders will get you the death penalty here, but if your victim happens to be a Catholic priest or an ethnic minority you'll get either a light sentence or a cash reward, depending on the judge's mood). The Brotherhood retaliates against the judge who imposed the sentence by blowing him up in his boat (apparently, they'd been hoping for the cash reward), and now the district attorney, Brent Whipperton, who's running for governor, plans to appeal the sentence to the Mississippi Supreme Court (even though forty-five years is the maximum sentence for killing a Catholic priest in Mississippi, prosecutors can seek harsher penalties when the defendant's friends kill off the presiding judge). In addition to securing the death penalty for Owens, Whipperton vows to take down The Brotherhood.

The Brotherhood is led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen). Chains spends most of his time on the screen chuckling over the word "death" and spouting confusing mystical-sounding shit like "The devil was a rebel angel. If you want to fuck with the living, you'll have to learn to fuck with the dead."

Ice Hensley (William Forsythe) is the gang's second-in-command. When we first meet Ice, he's balancing a can of Dixie beer on his shoulder so that a fellow Brotherhood member can polish his marksmanship skills (apparently, this is a favorite activity of biker gangs; others include brawling and being dragged behind motorcycles). The gang member's aim does appear to need some work; he takes three or four shots and misses every time. Ice gets impatient, yells "Fuck this!" and moves the beer can to the top of his skull. "Give me some head, baby!" This time the gang member hits his target and Ice whoops with joy as the can explodes and suds flow down the front of his face and into his mouth.  Had Ice been the film's central character, the movie could've been called Ice Cold and an image of William Forsythe with Dixie dripping from his nose and trickling onto his outstretched tongue would've been featured on the poster.  Above the title, the tagline would've read:  "Hensley likes his beer..."

Nancy (Arabella Holzbog, who compensates for a lack of acting talent by being an absolute goddess) is Chains's main squeeze. It's obvious that Chains really cares about her from the very first scene in which she appears -- the one in which he whores her out to Huff, whom he's just met. Let's rewind a bit, though, and bring you up to date on the story.

Joe's suspension hasn't been easy on him. He's spent most of his time at home feeding his pet Komodo dragon, walking around in his bikini underwear, and allowing naked chicks to sleep in his bed. One day a couple of FBI agents knock on his door. It seems Huff's previous undercover efforts have netted a few biker arrests, and the feds want his help taking down The Brotherhood. Huff isn't interested, but when one of the agents tells him that his only other alternative is to have his suspension extended to six months without pay, Joe grudgingly agrees to infiltrate the gang.

How is it that the Federal Bureau of Investigation has the authority to extend Huff's suspension? I'm not sure. What's also unclear is why the FBI has jurisdiction in the biker gang case. All of The Brotherhood's criminal activities seem to have taken place within state lines, and the judge they whacked out was a district court judge. None of this really matters, though. What does matter is that...

Joe Huff becomes John Stone (John Stone? He might as well have called himself U.C. Copp. Stone Johnson might've worked, but no self-respecting biker has a real first name). He earns the trust of a Brotherhood member by having his back in a bar fight, then goes on to win over Chains by holding his own in a fight against the gang's fiercest brawler. Now he's....all right, enough. You've seen this plot before. What distinguishes this film from others in the genre isn't the story. What makes Stone Cold distinctive is:

1) Explosions. In Stone Cold, lots of stuff blows up. Cars blow up. A boat blows up. Motorcycles blow up. A helicopter blows up. A guy who's just been thrown out of a helicopter blows up. If a car is hit by a stray bullet it explodes. If two cars collide they both explode. Just watch:

2) Bodies flying through the air. While watching Stone Cold, if you happen to spot a window, mirror, or glass object of any kind, you can safely bet your hog and a tumble with your old lady against two tickets to the Sturgis motorcycle jousting competition that somebody is going to fly into or through it at some point. Observe:

All right, I've been upstaged. What else can I say? That clip says it all.

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