Hector's Five Sickest Projectile Vomit Scenes

If there's one thing that makes me want to fuckin' puke, other than warm beer, it's a half-assed vomit scene. I realize that in real life people don't repaint the walls with partially digested food when they throw up, but one of the purposes of film, and of art in general, is to show us something we don't witness every day. If I wanted to see someone produce two cubic centimeters of saliva-colored liquid after retching over a toilet for fifteen minutes, I'd go to a frat kegger. There's a reason that I sit around and watch movies all day and all night instead of going out and interacting with the outside world, and that's that I'm a lazy and misanthropic bastard. Oh, and also that real life is boring, and if I couldn't escape the depressing mundanities of everyday existence (an existence in which vomiting humans can't be used as backup fire hoses) by watching people launch their lunches into low Earth orbit in films like those described below, I'd... well, I suppose I'd get more exercise. But the point is this: If you're going to take the trouble to put a vomit scene in your film, do it right. If you're not sure how, read on.

This list is objective in the purest sense. The scenes are ordered according to a complicated and sophisticated calculus which weighs a number of measurable, quantifiable factors (such as puke velocity, volume, average chunk mass, and general coolness) and produces an aggregate score. It isn't definitive, however. I'm sure there are other projectile vomit scenes out there, some of which I've seen (but didn't think of), some of which I haven't, that are worthy of inclusion in this study, so I reserve the right to modify/expand this list as these are brought to my attention (suggestions are always welcome).

5. Stand By Me (1986)

You've all seen this one. Aspiring writer Gordie Lachance is pressured by his pals to tell them a story as they sit around a campfire, so Gordie relates his latest, a tale about a corpulent social pariah named Davey "Lardass" Hogan who comes up with a plan to get revenge on all of the kids (and adults) who've made fun of him over the years by entering a pie-eating contest and... well, just watch:

  

4. Caligula (1979)

I almost didn't include this one because the scene is more one of regular vomiting than the "projectile" sort. In the end, though, I decided that it belongs here for two reasons:

a) Caligula is so ambitious in its efforts to feature every imaginable depravity and every conceivable bodily fluid ejection that it deserves to be rewarded even if its vomit scene does fall somewhat short in velocity, volume, and range. Let's run down the list:

decapitation -- check

evisceration -- check

castration -- check

hermaphrodites -- check

mechanical torture devices -- check

mechanical sexual devices -- check

ejaculation -- check

woman urinating, in close-up, on a man's corpse -- check

male-on-male anal fisting -- check

incestual/necrophilic tongue bath -- check

male genitals severed and fed to dogs -- check

hardcore sex scenes involving dwarves -- check

sex scenes involving people with physical deformities -- check

projectile vomiting -- close enough

Also, bonus points are awarded because Malcolm McDowell is reported to have actually vomited in this scene.

b) The camera angle makes it appear that the vomiting is of the projectile variety. McDowell spews his most recent meal directly into the camera. If the cinematographer wasn't wearing a full-body condom I imagine he got doused.

   

3. Team America: World Police (2004)

Puppetry meets protracted retroperistalsis. I don't recall the context of this scene too clearly, but the gist of it is that Gary, actor extraordinaire, is guilt-ridden over all the carnage and destruction that his well-meant thespian counter-terrorism efforts have indirectly caused, so he visits a bar to drink away his sorrows. He drinks a bit too much, and since what goes down must come up, we're treated to the following:

  

2. The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

Strange things begin to happen when Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson) arrives in Eastwick. Jane (Susan Sarandon), Alexandra (Cher), and Sukie (Michelle Pfeiffer) discover that they have supernatural powers, like being able to bounce tennis balls off their asses and levitate. Felicia Alden (Veronica Cartwright) is the town religious fanatic, and she gets so carried away with her recitations of biblical verse and her end of days prophecies that Daryl and the girls cast a spell on her which causes her to vomit up an orchard's worth of cherry pits:

(The above link is to the full scene, but embedding is disabled and the clip below is slightly more amusing anyway.)

   

Turns out Felicia's predictions were right, though. The witches get "sick" of Daryl's lecherous ways and an out-and-out apuke-alypse ensues.

  

1. Shock 'Em Dead (1991)

If puke velocity, volume, and duration were the only considerations the vomit scene in this Faustian horror schlocker would barely make this list, but what it lacks in these qualities it more than makes up for in all-around awesomeness. After auditioning for a local band and making a complete ass of himself, Angel Martin (Stephen Quadros) visits a voodoo practitioner and tells her he wants mad guitar skillz, hair like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and a gaggle of groupie chicks willing to fulfill his every sexual fantasy.

A hilarious full review of this film can be found at Valient's Vloggg, and at the end of the review is a clip of the scene.  You'll want to watch it over and over.