5. True Romance (1993)
Mistakenly thinking it to be White Boy Day, Clarence Worley (Christian Slater) arranges a meeting with (barges in on) his wife's employer (pimp), Drexl (Gary Oldman), in order to discuss terms for prematurely terminating her business contract with him (kill him). When Drexl rejects Clarence's initial offer of one thousand air molecules and Clarence expresses an unwillingness to negotiate further, voices are raised (punches are thrown) and legal action is threatened (guns are drawn). Drexl has a crack legal team (a violent disposition, a lot of guns, and a large bodyguard named Marty) in his employ and he soon appears to be on the verge of winning an extremely favorable judgment against (killing) Clarence, but Clarence finds a clause in the contract (gun) that effectively nullifies the agreement (enables Clarence to...well, just watch:)
Ouch. It just wouldn't be a Tarantino script if someone didn't get shot in the crotch. The lesson here: Always read the fine print.
4. Taxi Driver (1976)
It's hard out here for a pimp. When you're not getting your reproductive organs shot off because one of your ho's went off and married one of her clients, you're having to deal with mohawked workers' rights nazis who think overly restrictive child labor laws should be more actively enforced. This kind of anti-business fanaticism is what you get when you put Democrats in office.
Sport (Harvey Keitel), a struggling entrepreneur, has been making his meager living putting 12-year-old runaways to work as prostitutes when Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), a cab driver driven to social activism by unrequited love, shows up and attempts to destroy his business with his bleeding heart pro-labor crap. As if it isn't bad enough that Travis shoots Sport in the stomach, he then goes on to blow apart the hand of one of Sport's best customers.
Sport's stomach wound is probably more painful, but FUCK, that guy's hand just got obliterated. The lesson here: If you want to operate a child prostitution enterprise, do it in a pro-business state like Texas.
3. The House on the Edge of the Park (1980)
Ruggero Deodato can always be counted on to deliver heart-warming, feel-good fare about abduction, rape, mutilation, and torture. In The House on the Edge of the Park, Alex (David Hess) gets invited to a party and upon arriving decides to liven things up by sexually assaulting and otherwise brutalizing his hosts and their other guests. This goes on for, well, pretty much the entire duration of the film until one of Alex's victims fetches a firearm from the study and does this:
Wow. I'm glad Alex took pains to ensure that his dick went out with a ba-........uh......I mean, I'm glad Alex's dick's last night was an eventful one. The lesson here: Always wear a Kevlar jockstrap.
2. Les valseuses (Going Places) (1974)
After spending a night with Gerard Depardieu and Patrick Dewaere, Jeanne Pirolle (Jeanne Moreau) is so horrified at the idea that she might've been impregnated with Depardieu's kid that she tries to terminate the potential pregnancy (in her panic, it doesn't occur to her that she's menopausal and therefore can't have become pregnant) by plunging the barrel of a gun into her vagina and pulling the trigger. Alas, this action is as fatal for her as it would've been for any zygote that might've resulted from the previous evening's activities.
The lesson here: Always make sure you have access to non-lethal forms of emergency contraception before you have unprotected sex with Gerard Depardieu.
1. Desperate Living (1977)
After she and her three-hundred pound housekeeper Grizelda (Jean Hill) are banished to Mortville, a garbage dump of a village populated by perverts and lowlifes of all kinds (what John Waters would call "paradise"), Peggy Gravel (Mink Stole) comes under the employ of Queen Carlotta (Edith Massey), Mortville's oppressive monarch. Carlotta has forbidden her daughter, Princess Coo-Coo (Mary Vivian Pearce), from seeing her beloved Herbert, the town's garbage collector, and when Coo-Coo disobeys her mother's orders, Herbert is executed and Coo-Coo is taken into custody. Back at Carlotta's palace, Coo-Coo is sentenced to be gang-raped and injected with rabies. The leather-clad palace guards fall on Coo-Coo, and when they're finished with her they hand her over to Peggy, who administers the injection, and then they eject her from the palace. Coo-Coo arrives at the house of Mole McHenry (Susan Lowe) and Muffy St. Jacques (Liz Renay) and with green foam pouring from her mouth tells them what happened. Mole, Muffy, Coo-Coo, and a posse of other Mortvillians storm the palace. Coo-Coo takes a bite out of her mother's leg, and Peggy's punishment wins the top spot on Hector's Most Unpleasant-Looking Gunshot Wounds. Mole bends her over a bed, lifts her dress, shoves a gun up her ass, and pulls the trigger. Ow.
The lesson here: Don't upset butch dykes.
No comments:
Post a Comment