A Star's a Star

If we've learned anything from American Idol (other than that music isn't a form of personal expression, it's something to have on in the background of a Ford commercial) it's that pop singing is easy. We were a couple of decades late to this realization but that's not our fault. We're not stars of film and television. They decided that way back in the 1980s. Let's look at some of their most famous efforts.

Patrick Swayze "She's Like the Wind" (1987) 

Right away, my favorite lyrics: "She's like the wind through my tree / She rides the night next to me / She leads me through moonlight only to burn me with the sun / She's taken my heart but she doesn't know what she's done"

The video itself is disappointingly tasteful by '80s standards (black and white, ripple effects aplenty, Swayze and Wendy Fraser against clips from Dirty Dancing). How much better could it have been if they'd gone with a literal interpretation and we saw a tree uproot itself and ride the gusty night only to have its still-beating heart torn from its trunk by a Beautiful Wind Demon who looks at it quizzically as the tree plunges headlong into the Sun and explodes? 

What better testimonial to the song itself can be provided than the one YouTube commenter 3gearsofwar3 uploaded:

"(Im a male) 90% of the time I listen to hiphop But this, this is just... wonderful Truelly amazing. Every time I hear it i get a lump in my throat. I dont think im the only one My heart gets really warm.

I really really love this song Its an instant classic Real music. I feel nothing but love when I listen to it. It makes you feel alive on a whole nother level

I need an ice pack for my heart. It's on fire

R.i.p. Pat. Im forever grateful for this masterpiece. I thank you for this gem

Prachtig!"

44 likes. 3gearsofwar3 is a 32-year-old Dutchman. "Prachtig" was the Dutch Word of the Day for October 2, 2008 on dwotd.web-log-nl. "'Prachtig' means 'beautiful' and can apply to almost everything: people, an event or experience, feelings, and things (but not, for instance, to food which is 'lekker' or 'heerlijk'). Please note that 'mooi' also means beautiful. 'Prachtig' however is even better than mooi and has no comparative or superlative." 

Swayze and Stacy Widelitz wrote the song for Grandview, U.S.A. but the makers of that film decided Air Supply's "Take Me Home to Grandview, U.S.A." was the single for them so Swayze and Widelitz had to wait until Dirty Dancing to get their shot. "Take Me Home to Grandview, U.S.A." was neither #3 on the Billboard Hot 100 nor was it the #1 Hot Adult Contemporary Track. 

Cover artists include David Hasselhoff (because of course they do).

Eddie Murphy "Party All The Time" (1985)

0:39 Rick James, wearing what looks like an Annie wig a theatre company threw away because someone accidentally put it in the washer, tells Eddie "Put your phones on, man." I don't know this industry jargon. Does he mean headphones? 

1:06 Rick James, wearing fringed black leather pants, is the Reed Rothchild of this project. (The bass is taking away from Eddie's vocal, but that's a good thing.) 

2:16 I had to find out more about the white guitar player (blow-dried hair, shirtless + gold necklace + leather jacket). His name is Tom McDermott. He's now "a postman" but he still tours with the Original Stone City Band ("Don't be confused with the 'Stone City Band' and 'THE ORIGINAL STONE CITY BAND!'" I'll try not to be. Yes, there are or were at least two competing tours put together by guys looking to cash in on having been Rick James' backup group.) 

2:26 I don't know if the guy whose last stand-up special before this had jokes like "Faggots aren't allowed to look at my ass while I'm on stage" had people in his entourage who were secure enough in their sexuality to have no problem being filmed doing this as anything other than a joke so I'm going to go ahead and say that Eddie Murphy's friends were making fun of him for doing this even as the video was being shot.

2:47-2:50 "Yes, Eddie. Hit that note. Hiittt itttt."

3:02 Rick James expresses his satisfaction with his musical protege by exhaling deeply and tossing a lyric sheet in the air. But we're at the part of the song where they just say "party" over and over again so that sheet wasn't needed anyway. 

3:11 High-fives all around. 

3:17 Rick James can't stand up there and watch anymore. He has to get in on this. His guitar strap has a leopard print because of course it does. 

3:34 My favorite lyrics: "She lets her hair down / She lets her body down." As a woman in 1985 you'd have let your body down by doing anything sexual with Rick James. 

3:58 Back-slapping hug -> "O.K." -> "Anarchy?" 

This video also works as supplemental material for Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories.

In Three Kings Saddam's soldiers are found listening to it. Concerned that they might have the wrong idea about pop music in the "United States of Freedom," Mark Wahlberg's (Dirk Diggler again) character tries to explain to one of them that "This is bad music. This is bad for you." 

Not Eddie Murphy's only single. It came after "Boogie in Your Butt / No More Tears" (1982) and before "Put Your Mouth on Me" (1989). 

"[R]eached #2 on the Billboard Hot 100, kept off the top by Lionel Richie's 'Say You, Say Me.'"

Cover artists include Finnish metal band Children of Bodom.

Don Johnson "Heartbeat" (1986) 

This is not, as tanrat7 would have you believe, a "very underrated song." This is a terrible song, the worst of the bunch (no favorite lyrics here), but it still managed to hit #5 on the Billboard Hot 100. 

I first saw this when I was 8. I wasn't as worldly then so I assumed they wouldn't have spent all that money on a music video for the Miami Vice guy. Those had to be clips from an upcoming film starring Don Johnson (featuring music from Don Johnson). I'm sorry that they weren't because I want to see the movie where Don Johnson plays a camera man unraveling an international conspiracy involving 

0:18 portentous use of a "Don't Walk" sign and 

0:41 Giancarlo Esposito as the heavy whose signature move is dramatically tying a do-rag over his head. When he does that you know someone's about to die. It's so important he get it right that he uses a spotter. Which is the entry-level position in Giancarlo Esposito's organization. You do that for a few weeks then you get your own do-rag and an M. Bison hat and you're promoted to the next rank, whose responsibilities include 

0:49 lobbing grenades at Don Johnson from a helicopter. 

1:07 I mean, what's her story? 

1:38 Why is she doing a photo shoot at the scene of a horrific car accident? 

1:54 Does she know the woman getting tackled in silhouette, punched and then hit with her own purse? 

1:59 What's her relationship to Giancarlo Esposito's bicycle gang? 

2:15 Don't tell me she doesn't know them. She gets to wear a bandana over her face. That's one of the highest ranks available. 

2:36 Don Johnson has to figure all this out. He doesn't have time to gently lay any of the kids in Do-Rag Town down as he races to get another picture of Lady Bandana. Over you go, Luis. 

2:49 nikkho had the same reaction I did. "Is that Dweezil Zappa?" So, he rewinds it back at 

2:59 to watch that part again. 

3:36 Don Johnson may never find "a heartbeat beating like" his, but the footage is good enough to allow himself a fist pump. 

This may or may not surprise you but there are no cover versions.

Bruce Willis "Respect Yourself" (1987) 

No, this isn't an ad for Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers. This is another #5 on the Billboard Hot 100. How we encouraged these people. Bruce Willis might be an even worse singer than Don Johnson but he compensates by having a Pointer Sister step in for over a minute and makes up for the comparative lack of production value (no explosions or do-rags in this bar / pool hall) by "Bruce Willis"-ing it up with a harmonica, a pool cue doubling as a microphone stand, etc. 

"Yo dude," says specialone8, "cut the Brotha some slack. There aren't many white boys with soul; Bruce is one of them."  There are no cover versions because this was a cover version. As were all but one of the songs on The Return of Bruno, but that didn't stop Willis from becoming the "highest-selling white artist" in the history of Motown Records. 

This has gotten depressing. Let's cheer ourselves up by concluding with something even better than mooi, an Elizabeth (E.G.) Daily video. "But she was more of a singer/actor than an actor/singer." Don't care. It's my article. "What about David Hasselhoff instead?" ...

Elizabeth Daily "Mind Over Matter" (1987) 

This could've been "One Way Love (Better Off Dead)" from .. uh, Better Off Dead or "I'm Hot Tonight" or "Shake It Up" from Scarface but none of those had official videos produced that are available to watch on YouTube and I don't have a lot to say about the cover of the Better Off Dead soundtrack or a picture of Al Pacino and Michelle Pfeiffer dancing in Scarface. 

The "I'm Hot Tonight" video is at least a recreation through stills of the scene from the movie that features the song, but that scene is the one where Tony follows his sister into the bathroom to assault the man she's with and you can't talk about that without discussing whether or not he had incestuous feelings for her which, while deserving of its own article, doesn't have anything to do with Elizabeth Daily and isn't going to make us feel any better. 

There's "Say It, Say It" but what they decided to do with that was to use the video for a light dance pop song to make a tribute to Lolita. With Elizabeth Daily as the title character because of her "babyish" features and speaking voice? When that's why they shouldn't have made a video with Elizabeth Daily as Lolita because it's as creepy as it sounds. That leaves "Mind Over Matter" from the Summer School soundtrack. 

Which I won't interrupt as long as you promise not to buy any songs on iTunes that have the names Channing Tatum, Ryan Reynolds or Mark Wahlberg on them. "But Mark Wahlberg already had a hit single." No, he didn't. You're thinking of Marky Mark. Totally different guy. Now, it's about that time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. 

Yeah. Can you feel it, baby? I can too.