Private School (1983)

Peter Biskind's book about the "New Hollywood" era, Easy Riders, Raging Bulls, closes with the idea that, to quote Peter Bogdanovich, "The cinema of the director went into eclipse at the end of the '70s. There was a general movement away from .. auteurism toward producer-oriented movies." If there ever was an "American New Wave," it's supposed to have ended in the early '80s. I disagree. I think that's when it began. 

The American New Wave was the cinema of the producer, not the director. If Truffaut and Godard saw American crime films from the '40s and wondered "What could we do with this, artistically?" men like Ben Efraim saw drive-in exploitation films from the '70s and thought "What could we do with this, commercially?" The latter is the American approach, and though he was an Israeli expatriate born on a kibbutz, Ben Efraim understood it better than anyone. 

Private School was the second film in his Private series (after Private Lessons and before Private Resort). I'm reviewing it first for two reasons. First, because Private School has as much to do with Private Lessons as it does with Private Benjamin, so the order doesn't matter. I know what you're asking yourself. "How can they be part of the same series if they don't have anything to do with one another?" Stop that. You're thinking like a director. Or worse, an auteur. Start thinking like Ben Efraim. I want so much for you to do so that that's the other reason why I'm doing it first. For you to understand what the true American New Wave was I first have to explain to you to why Private School is its masterpiece.

It starts with the title. You know it as Private School. Why Private School? That's easy, you think. The hook is that it's set in a private school. That's not entirely correct. There are two schools in the film and while they both may have private admission it's more important to the plot that they're boarding schools. But to call it Boarding School would've only adhered to the "oppressive and deterministic aesthetic of plot," and if Ben Efraim and Jean-Luc Godard can agree on anything it would be their opposition to that. Besides, there was already a film released in the U.S. as Boarding School with a similar story (and a 17-year-old Nastassja Kinski) and it was important that we, the audience, associate the second film in the series with the tradition of quality (not to say the signature of the auteur) established by Private Lessons. So much so that the teaser trailer they released for it (set to "Don't Stand So Close To Me." "Why? It's not about a teacher-student relationship." You're doing it again.) promises that "If you liked what you learned from Private Lessons, you're in for a real .. education [pause for the model to moan after biting into an apple and before undoing her blouse] at Private School."

And the full title is actually Private School … for Girls. "Wh .. " Look, if you're going to do this every time I'll have to start early in explaining what it is to think like Ben Efraim (which might be as difficult in its own way as Errol Morris trying to get across what it is to think like Stephen Hawking, but I hope to be suitable for the task). The " … for Girls" is essential (not that many understand that; to this day we use the shorthand version) because otherwise the person looking at the poster might believe it was … for Boys and any Adult Situations likely to be depicted involved homosexual experimentation.

But, let's talk about the movie itself. The title sequence is set to either "Private School" by Jim Wray (if you're watching the television edit) or "You're Breaking My Heart" by Harry Nilsson (if it's the theatrical version). Ben Efraim doesn't turn down a buck. (He's a producer.) So, he would have had no issue with a version edited for television. But, he's also a busy man. By that time he would've been in pre-production for Private Resort or negotiating for the Italian remake rights to Private Lessons (no, that's not a joke. There was an Italian remake of Private Lessons. That surprises you? I'm sure the makers of Il peccato di Lola were surprised Private Lessons wasn't a remake of an Italian film with Laura Antonelli.) So, without him around for quality control "You're Breaking My Heart," which opens with "You're breakin' my heart / You're tearin' it apart / So, fuck you" (almost three decades before that Cee Lo guy) turned into "Private School," which opens with "Goin' to a private school / Goin' to a private school / Your daddy musta been a fool / To send you to a private school … for girls."

The movie proper starts with "Rock This Town" by the Stray Cats on the soundtrack, Phoebe Cates reading aloud about how a character in her romance novel's nipples are erect as a man takes her "full inside his mouth" in "one quick movement" (Is it some grotesque King Kong fan fiction or does taking "her" full inside his mouth mean putting his mouth on her lady parts, not eating her alive? If so don't blame Ben Efraim or the director, Noel Black, for objectifying women when they're already reading novels where when the author flowers it up a bit "her" equals the woman's vagina. No, you're wrong. I already know what you're thinking. Don't forget that I'm the Ben Efraim to your Francois Truffaut. The movie wasn't written by a man. It was written by a man and a woman -- who were later married and whose son went on to play the kid in Lorenzo's Oil .. and no I'm not making that up, either.

Zack O'Malley Greenburg, son of Private School

No trust from you. -- so don't assume that it was only some dude imagining how those novels read. Wait, this parenthetical digression is in the middle of another sentence, isn't it?) and the three male leads climbing the gate in front of the Cherryvale Academy for Girls to do some peeping tom work. But, we'll get to that in a minute.

Yes, that's right, the girls' school is called the Cherryvale Academy. You're starting to see? This is why it's important that this is the second film in the series. By this point, Ben Efraim doesn't care about the plausibility of the names. He's only interested in the sex comedy as pure cinema. The girls' school is called Cherryvale. The boys' school is called Freemount (Fremont? Too subtle by half.) Cherryvale's Headmistress is named Prudence Dutchbok (so the students can call her "Good 'Ol Miss Douchebag." Or, in the TV version at various times "Miss Crunch Bag," "Miss Fudge Bag" or "Miss Punch Bag"). The sex education teacher is named Regina Copuletta. No, this isn't some Situationist or Post-Modernist bullshit. This is Ben Efraim letting you know that he knows what you want and he's going to give it to you without apologizing for it. There isn't a single scene in the movie that isn't about sex. People talking about sex, trying to have sex, preparing to have sex or be in a situation where sex is possible. This is a sex comedy so he makes a sex comedy. Get it, Jean-Luc?

The boys are Jim (Matthew Modine), Bubba (Michael Zorek) and Roy (Jonathan Prince). They're never more (or less) than archetypal. Roy wears glasses and argyle sweaters and keeps a pencil behind his ear. No further comment required there or in the movie. You know everything you need to about him in seconds. (And people moon over Sergio Leone.) Jim is the audience identification figure. Bubba is the slobbish "id" of the movie. There is no proper antagonist figure (unless virginity counts) so Bubba's there, much like Roy, as a foil or contrast for Jim. People wrongly assume that films of the American New Wave didn't have any morality or code of behavior to them. They did, and by today's standards much of it would seem quaint. 

Jim's in love with his girlfriend Christine (Phoebe Cates). He wants his first time to be special and with her. Bubba, well, as demonstrated later in the movie Bubba would have to be physically restrained by others to keep him from groping you if you were a female who walked past with so much as your shoulders exposed. Half his screen time is spent attempting to see girls in some state of undress, no matter the means. This is presented as behavior that will result in a comeuppance. You'd think that an unlikely sort of lesson for Ben Efraim to try to impart to people watching Private School but you're still far from the proper understanding. Let's continue.

We find this out later but Christine, her roommate Betsy (Kathleen Wilhoite) and their .. suite-mates? (It's never really clear. But it doesn't have to be!) Jordan (Betsy Russell) and .. uh, I think her name is Rita but I'm going to respect O'Malley/Greenburg's attitude towards her and call her the Receiver of Jordan's Exposition (RoJE, for sort. A critical aside: No film is perfect. Even the ones we call "masterpieces." One thing Private School didn't have that it should've was some acronyms as puns but since Ben Efraim didn't go that way I won't, either. RoJE it is) .. they're getting ready for an inter-school dance. Ironing clothes. Putting on make-up. Reading erotic literature to one another.

Girl stuff. Bubba, Jim and Roy know that this is the time to climb up to their bathroom window and, should one of the girls be in the shower (and one is. It's Jordan), take some Polaroids.

Now, they picked this window out specifically. They must know whose bathroom it is. Jim's the low man on the human ladder keeping Bubba at window level. What would his reaction have been if he shook one of the Polaroids Bubba was tossing down and saw that it was Christine in the picture? I don't know if this plan makes sense from his perspec .. oh, look at that. Betsy Russell's spinning around fully nude.

Fair play, Mr. Efraim.

Having yanked Jordan's towel off, Bubba (with his contempt for bourgeois modesty; the French New Wave parallels are there if you bother to notice) loses his balance and falls two stories (Don't worry. He's fine. And they still have some of the Polaroids.) Christine and Betsy see the boys from the window and laugh.

Then they scowl

when they see that Jordan's also amused.

Bubba is Betsy's boyfriend. Why is she not mad at him? Why is Christine not mad at Jim? Why are they upset with Jordan? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and I don't have to know. Neither do you. All that matters is that somehow someone's top is going to come off as a result. Are you beginning to value the film's efficiency?

And while we're agreeing to remain willfully ignorant, let's pretend the next scene where Christine and Betsy light some horse manure in a bag on fire and leave it outside Jordan's door for her to ruin her shoes stomping on isn't there, because I can't see what that has to do with sex. Jordan was already beginning to think about going after Jim. Instead let's skip to the dance. No, I don't want to talk about the horse manure scene. Look, no one gets naked at the dance but there are three Bill Wray songs! 

I knew that'd do it. This business happens at the head of the scene: Roy asks Samantha Morton to dance.

Gets turned down. Bypasses the next girl he sees. Gets rejected by a third. Turns back to Option #2 (that's her in the red) and now that she's standing up straight Roy is at eye level with her breasts. Roy then asks her to dance and turns to get Jim's approval. Not sure what the joke is here. That she's taller than Roy and that intimidates him? That she's supposed to be ugly but that doesn't matter because of the size of her breasts? What are you smiling at, Modine?

The first performance from Bill Wray and his band (who were -- in the Real World, not Private School World -- Rick(y) Springfield's band so I can only guess that after they finished shooting their part they went over to Rahad Jackson's house to play some "Baseball." Or am I confusing the Real World with Boogie Nights World again?) is of "She Said No," which goes " .. had to say 'No' / When I put my arms around you / But your eyes said 'Go' / And I'm so glad I found you / You said .. " Then the song finishes with a guitar flourish before we have to hear that that sentence ended with "Please don't rape me."

Some concessions have to be made to a three-act structure (thanks, Potter Stewart and Syd Field) so the next several minutes are spent setting up the plot. A group of donors is in town to tour the school, Christine is willing to "try it" with Jim as long as it's the same as in that book (his mouth is sort of big, now that I look at it) and Jordan announces that she intends to begin her "campaign" to steal Jim from Christine before that can happen. The musical distraction to this is the non-duet version of the ballad "Just One Touch" (the Private School soundtrack, available in record stores now. Ben Efraim went for every angle, and why begrudge him that? We're not socialists over here, Claude Chabrol). The comic distraction is that no fewer than seven girls are gawking at Bubba's budding erection as he dances with Betsy. ("I'm telling you. The closer he gets, the bigger it gets.") 

In the spirit of the sequence, I'll make a concession in admitting that teenage girls might instead simply claim to be "grossed out" if they saw that Matthew Modine was popping a chubby out there, let alone Michael Zorek. But, like I said, this is Private School World. In PSW, the penis of the teenage male has a hypnotic effect on every female within viewing distance. 

Even Birdie Fallmouth (Frances Bay, years before Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks), the leader of the donor group, stares at Bubba's corduroys when given the chance. 

Make a concession of your own and go with it. Besides, this is an American New Wave title, so the audience never sees any bulge. It's only suggested. Like the Judd Apatow group two decades later, Ben Efraim understood that while there are few things funnier than a flaccid penis (if your movie is R-rated. If it's PG-13 substitute bare male ass), erections are to be respected, feared and discussed only in the hushed tones reserved for all things wonderful and awe-inspiring. Never shown. One of several similarities they have with the Great and Powerful Oz.

Somewhere in here we get our third Bill Wray number, the instrumental version of "Private School" (from the title sequence to the TV version). He doesn't sing the lyrics because if the Cherryvale Building Committee is bothered by all the ass-grabbing going on on the dance floor they'd surely have a problem with lines like "You worked real hard, gained a world of knowledge / Just ask the boys from the nearest college." 

There's some more business with Betsy getting caught with her dress over her head in "Douchebag"'s office, possibly about to have sex with Bubba on the couch next to the model of "Douchebag Hall." (You've really got to pick your spots with insulting nicknames. Too many times in a row and the magic gets lost. But, teenagers don't normally understand this and Ben Efraim knows that.) This is another chance for Birdie Fallmouth to gape in amusement but she isn't quipping yet. (I left the "Birdie Fallmouth" name alone before but do you get it now? I don't have to point it out for you? Good. You're learning.) 

This is for the Gen-Yers. The kids raised on the Internet. You weren't around for this (you're only snickering about it now in your skinny jeans), but before pop culture became so densely saturated that it turned into some kind of Ouroboros-like feeder cycle it was possible to put scenes in comedies that had no irony or subtext to them whatsoever. Scenes like our next one: 

Perfectly executed aside from the moment where Phoebe Cates smiles at someone.

Take this seriously, Phoebe! This is a well-choreographed tribute to the shape and moves of the American Girl. Just like the song that accompanies it. The camera itself moves more in this scene than it does in any other. Crane work, tracking shots .. Either Noel Black felt genuinely inspired or he saw this as an audition to direct Rick Springfield's next video. But, if we broke down the craftsmanship of each individual scene we'd be here for days (instead of hours). Moving on.

Her title sequence credit is "and Sylvia Kristel as The Sex Teacher." Supposedly she only appeared in the movie because she was required to by the contract she signed before starring in Private Lessons. But, Burt Reynolds wanted to fire his agent after Boogie Nights (before he received an Academy Award nomination), so what do actors know? This is another scene where the alternate TV version is markedly inferior. In the scene for television, Ms. Copuletta's lesson on the mechanics of sexual intercourse consists of an embarrassed description of how bees pollinate. When Jordan asks in what way sexual intercourse between humans is different, her answer is that "Humans, I believe, use a different kind of pollen." When Christine asks what the safest form of contraception is, she replies that "Flowers don't use any form of contraception." How much are their parents paying to send them to this school? It's all the more baffling when she implies later that Sex Education isn't a temporary subject in a general Health course, as it is in public schools ( … for girls and boys). It's all that she teaches. 

In the theatrical version (the Ben Efraim cut), she actually discusses what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much (like Jim and Christine). And Jordan's question is whether length or width is more important in a penis. (Again: stop rolling your eyes. It's PSW.) Though, when Ms. Copuletta says that she doesn't think they "have the time to get into that today" the girls all giggle and she has to correct herself with "I mean, we don't have the time today to talk about that." If they think that sexual intercourse involves "getting into" a penis, maybe she's a bad teacher in both versions. 

Noel Black gets to do his Howard Hawks bit for a short scene where Christine makes hotel reservations for her "sex pact" getaway with Jim. Roger Corman let his directors do whatever they wanted as long as there was nudity or the hint of nudity every fifteen minutes. Ben Efraim wasn't so lenient, so it's on to our next set piece: Jordan Rides Bareback* (wink courtesy of Birdie Fallmouth). 

As I said, when people think of a "visual filmmaker," they think of someone like Sergio Leone (as they adjust the sweater they're wearing over their shoulders, sip a decaf and turn to the next page of Cahiers du Cinema). The music of Ennio Morricone is indispensable to Leone's films, but the flaw there is that there are no lyrics. Far too much is open to interpretation. Not so with Ben Efraim's oeuvre. In this scene's number, "How Do I Let You Know" (performed by Phoebe Cates! co-composed by Bill Wray!), the question is "How do I let you know? / I just want to make sweet love to you / How do I let you know? / That late at night I'd be good to you / How do I let you know? / There's nothin' in the world that I wouldn't do / How do I let you know?" 

The answer is as obvious to you or me as it is to Jordan, who lets Jim know by exposing herself to him (and Christine, and anyone else in that plane of view; it's more of a shotgun blast than a rifle shot). As with every time Jordan is free with her sexuality, Betsy is peeved, and she gets her revenge by riding up behind her and pulling her already open top off. In a subtle attempt to underscore the seriousness of Cherryvale's funding problems 

I mean, look at that "h" in Cherryvale

and thus how important the Cherryvale Building Committee and benefactors such as Jordan's father are), the fabric on Jordan's shirt is so thin and cheaply-made that you'd think it was made to break away. So when Betsy goes to wrench it off 

she doesn't bring Jordan with it off the back of the horse and far from being injured in any way Jordan is only amused, bouncing away ("In slow-motion?" Otherwise she'd have been a blur! Ben Efraim doesn't want his movies to look cheap) in the "finest example of bareback riding" Birdie Fallmouth's ever seen (Birdie's quips have begun! And, well, ended.) as Bubba chases after her while cheering, cackling and pointing. (Frances Bay didn't start working in films until her 60s, so her entire movie career has been spent playing "eccentric [or a bit "pervy," in this case] elderly women and good-hearted grandmothers.")

Frances Bay's default facial expression

Jim and Christine pull up to a drugstore to buy some condoms (any couple's ideal prelude to a romantic weekend together). He volunteers to go in but is obviously nervous so Christine coaches him up by suggesting he "be .. sophisticated" about it. His notion of sophistication is to ask for some "prophylactic devices." Martin Mull (no, this isn't another "She kind of looks like Samantha Morton" joke. It's really Martin Mull.) 

See?

mistakes that for a request for dental equipment, which Jim then purchases instead of walking away in embarrassment (or behaving uncouthly by simply asking for condoms). Christine's response is to put a hand on his shoulder and say "I'll do it." She's a real trooper, that one. And people actually wonder why Jim would remain faithful to her? 

That's another way in which Private School far outclasses other films in the genre. Ben Efraim knew the formula then like you know the formula now. The male lead has a friend he doesn't realize he's in love with or a girlfriend who's reluctant to go all the way, but either way she's a brunette and would commonly be considered less attractive than her rival for the male lead's affection, who is always a blonde. Not so in Private School. Jordan's a redhead. And if that wasn't enough who's the brunette? Some frumpy type? No. It's Phoebe Cates, who was able to play the closest thing Fast Times at Ridgemont High had to a "Jordan" character. And is she reluctant to go all the way? She's buying the condoms herself! We don't have to lift our suspension of disbelief to think "Well, he may be sex-crazed, but he really does love that other girl." It'd be plausible either in our world or that of Private School. 

Example #3 of the superiority of the Ben Efraim cut to the television edit: In the television version Christine walks in, points to Martin Mull's left shoulder and says "I'd like a box of those." Instead of another comedy of errors where he mistakes her meaning as he did Jim's, he turns around to the wall of product he has behind him and picks out a box of condoms. Which seems presumptuous but not as much as in the theatrical version, where after Christine loudly asks for "some condoms" Mull inquires as to whether she wants a pack of three dozen, if she prefers a "tawdry" brand and whether her "husband" likes them pre-lubricated. 

Dutchbok's also there, and when she sees what the facial cream Mull's having her test out looks like she interrupts them to demand that he take it off. She and Christine recognize each other and in the middle of yet more business where they both try to avoid so much as glancing in the other person's direction for different reasons what might've been the best joke in the scene (Christine hurriedly trying to explain her presence by telling Ms. Dutchbok -- in front of Mull -- that she's buying something "for her father") is stepped on by a cutaway to Mull where he doesn't sell the potential humor of it so much as stare at her gravely like it's a scene in an After School Special. But, this is the American New Wave. If we laugh that's good but if we don't get as much funny out of a scene as we could've we shouldn't feel cheated. It's not a delivery device for gags. It's a delivery device for breast shots. 

Example #4 of why watching this on USA's Up All Night would've been a confusing experience: In the next scene Jim, Bubba and Roy are at the arcade, where because it's PSW there's a game called The Big Score. (It has a joystick and two buttons: "Thrust" and "Withdraw."

So as a preparation for actual sexual intercourse it seems like it'd do as poor of a job getting the boys ready as Ms. Copuletta's doing with the girls.) In the TV version Bubba "scores" (causing the female in the game to orgasm loudly) by making it to "1st Base." 

The main purpose of the scene is to set up the gambling ring that dominates social activity at Freemount (it becomes important later). Bubba bets Jim $5 that he's too "chicken" to call Christine in front of his friends. The following dialogue occurs: 

Christine: "Hi, Jim. What are you doing?" 

Jim: "You know, hanging out. What are you doing?" 

Christine: "Well, I'm just sitting around. I've been thinking about you." 

Jim: "I've been thinking about you, too." 

Christine: "You have? What have you been thinking?" 

Jim: "I've been thinking a lot about our weekend." 

Christine: "You have? What have you been thinking about it?" 

Jim: "Well, lots of stuff, you know, like how much fun it's going to be." 

Christine: "What else?" 

Jim: "How great it'll be." 

Christine: "Mhm. What else?" 

Jim: "Well, lots of stuff like that."

(I know that boyfriend/girlfriend conversations between teenagers over the phone can get this inane but you're making me look bad here, Mr. Efraim. You're not Eric Rohmer.) 

Christine hangs up since Jordan's on the extension ("Why do they share a phone line? How many people in the building are on it?" You're still doing that? Will you relax if I tell you that this is going to result in seeing RoJE burst out of her cheerleading top and Betsy Russell wriggle her naked ass, mid-frame? "No." There's no talking to you). Jim goes back to The Big Score to prove he's "man enough" to beat the game "if Bubba is," only to have the woman in it almost immediately say "Oops, sorry. Tonight I have to wash my hair." Jim is surprised ("What?!"), but seeing as how he'd just mashed the "Thrust" button two or three times can you blame Miss The Big Score for making any excuse she could to get away from the guy who greets her by repeatedly thrusting his pelvis? 

More girl talk in PSW: 

Betsy: "Bubba says we did it once and it was very good for both of us. But I was passed out. I don't remember a thing." ["but your eyes said 'Go!'"] 

Christine: "Well, is he? Is [Bubba] well-endowed?" (You think Michael Zorek wore out the tape on his personal VHS copy of Private School rewinding this part where Phoebe Cates asks with excited interest about his character's dick?) 

Christine: "Jordan thinks that length is most important. What do you think?" 

Betsy: "I think .. width." 

Christine: "Why width?" 

Betsy: "Because Jordan thinks length." 

(Giggles abound. This is incredible. They can't stop talking about our junk!) 

Betsy sneaks into the other room while everyone else is asleep to loosen the fabric on Jordan's cheerleading outfit (and RoJE's. "What did she do?" Do you want to see her left breast or not?). But the next day Coach Whelan grabs Jordan's outfit instead ("So whose uniform is Jordan wearing?" Oh, for Christ's sake.) So, while there's a brief shot of Rita (as played by Kari Lizer. I've seen one of her breasts. Now she is a woman and so I give her a name.) 

RoJE

there's also one of the Coach. For laughs ("From the boys who are there, too? The cheerleaders have their backs to them. They wouldn't have seen anything."

Otherwise would we have known that was funny? "It's not funny." Says you.) 

In response, Ms. Dutchbok confines Betsy, Christine, Jordan and Rita to campus for the next week then offers Coach Whelan a drink. This is only to set up the next sequence, where Bubba, Jim and Roy apparently decide that since Betsy and Christine can't get out the easiest way to see them is to sneak into their dorm at Cherryvale .. in drag. (The costumes were given to Bubba by his older brother when he graduated. What, no prequel, Ben Efraim?) "Why? I don't see any supervisory figures outside or in the common room. Who was going to stop them if they walked in wearing pants instead?" This time, you've got a reasonable point. I'm confused, too. This is a level of absurdity beyond PSW. 

But, Efraim's ahead of us again. 

Yes, Female Bubba has a five o'clock shadow. Yes, Female Jim (who's supposed to be Christine's "younger sister") has a wig that can make it look like her hair is graying. Yes, Female Roy is wearing blue pearls and carrying a matronly handbag. But, as soon as any of the girls at Cherryvale take a good look at them they immediately recognize them for who they are. This isn't your average film from the same genre, where the comedic tension would be that Christine doesn't recognize Jim or Betsy doesn't recognize Bubba. Here the tension is Jordan recognizes Jim and is going to take advantage of that. 

Which she does, to "Nasty Girl" by Vanity 6. As you should expect by now, the song is commenting on the action. "Don't you believe in mystery? / Don't you wanna play my game? / I'm lookin' for a man to love me / Like I've never been loved before / I'm lookin' for a man that'll do it anywhere / Even on a limousine floor." Wait. Ignore that last part. It's washed out by dialogue in the movie, anyway. "Tonight I'm livin' in a fantasy / My own little nasty world / Tonight, don't you wanna come with me / Do you think I'm a Nasty Girl?" "If you ain't scared, take it out / I'll do it like a real live Nasty Girl should." 

The only line that's problematic (other than that bit about the limousine floor fantasy; aside from the practical issue of whether you'd have much space you'd still be concealed in the back of a limousine, so how is that an example of how you'd "do it .. anywhere?") is when Vanity says that she needs "7 inches or more / Tonight I can no longer hold it / Get it up, get it up, I can't wait anymore." Because that's a Real World song, not a PSW song. Maybe this female preoccupation with cock isn't limited to PSW. Now it's in the RW. We're through the looking glass here, people. Up is down and black is white. Or, actually: "Nasty Girl" was written by Prince and Vanity 6 was his protege group. Prince was the Ben Efraim of '80s pop. We're fine. Besides, Jordan is already on record as valuing length the most, so that works for her character, too, as long as Prince/Vanity didn't mean a penis that's at least 7 inches around. Back to the movie.

Jordan teases Jim, which gives Matthew Modine the chance to do a little Abbott and Costello work.

Bubba gets "trapped" with Betsy, which isn't where he seems to want to be. But if not, what was his plan? What's Roy's, who's by the stairs trying to work his way into various conversations?   

I could understand if their plan was to see some nudity, because as in any other teen sex comedy when there are no men (or sometimes just when there are no heterosexual men) around that's when the girls start wandering the halls in their underwear and examining one another's breasts. But Bubba's stated goal was for them to get some "nookie." And I don't see how in the same night you proceed to that from meeting a stranger while in drag. I'd go ahead and say that the movie is intentionally making them look foolish, but Bubba did beat The Big Score so he must know what he's doing. 

Or does he? As soon as Betsy "warn[s]" him again that she likes "a lot of foreplay" he decides that he'd rather sneak out onto the ledge to watch Jim and Jordan. The previous scene between them already established that for Betsy grabbing her breasts counts as enough foreplay to satisfy her

This'll do

and even if it didn't whatever's going to happen there has to beat watching Jim give Jordan a back massage, doesn't it? Even if Bubba is the audience's id (we must want the same things he does, no matter if we admit it or not; if he could, he'd watch Private School, too.) if you gave the typical audience member the choice between whatever counts as foreplay for his girlfriend and watching Private School, wouldn't he choose the former? This sets up Bubba taking his second two-story drop of the film and this time he clearly lands on his forearm/elbow but his left arm isn't in a sling later. Just mark this entire bit as a critical aside. 

Back in Jordan's room, she sounds like she's asking Female Jim to massage her breasts (normal girl stuff), but he declines so she offers to massage her/him instead and starts to take her/his frilly blouse off. (I'm not going to criticize the blouse. Christine wore something very similar to the first dance.) 

Female Christine

Whereupon Jim admits to not really being a girl, and Jordan screams and plays out the last part of her little farce. In a bit of fortuitous luck she throws him out of her room right as Christine comes up the stairs, so Jim's girlfriend gets to hear Jordan accuse him of tricking her into taking her clothes off "just so [he] could see [her] naked." ("If only he'd had a legit reason for tricking her into taking her clothes off." Oh, you.) Christine leaves distraught. Jordan shrugs at Jim and skips back to her room. (No. Look, I'll tell you when I'm joking. She really does skip. Nice touch, Betsy Russell.) 

Speaking of fortuitous luck, not only did Bubba not break his arm, he landed on the ground right when some other Cherryvale girls were running past him on their way to a communal shower next door. ("But, their dorms are right there, and we've seen that they have showers in their rooms." Did you hear what I said? Girls. Plural. Communal shower. Stop it, already.) Just as Ben Efraim decided to stop futzing around with plausible-sounding names in the second film in the Private series, halfway into Private School we have the most unashamedly gratuitous nudity of the film. As for no story reason, no semblance of a joke, no ambition other than to outdo the scene from Porky's, Bubba .. no, forget that, we are now Bubba. You're Bubba. You leer at lengthy medium shots of eight girls in a shower. But, no point harrumphing at the lack of artistry now. So, just go ahead and look. Ben Efraim knows you want to. It's what you paid for.

I'll wait over here, humming along to "I Want Candy." "Candy on the beach, there's nothing better / But I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater." 

Done? Because Efraim's ready to punish you for that, Bubba. First you're going to sweat it out in the sauna, trapped under Ms. Dutchbok (I'd say it was a nod to the obligatory "trapped under the bed" scenario but there's already a trapped under the bed bit later. Don't worry. We'll get to it twelve or thirteen paragraphs from now). Then after a sloshed Coach Whelan (thought that was going nowhere or it wasn't a setup for something sexual? Just get out. I don't want you here anymore. I'm talking to them now.) stumbles into the dorm Betsy offers to let her use her bed to sleep it off. So, when you walk back up to her room you mistake the Coach for her. ("But, Betsy has a different hair color, so whether she has the covers pulled up over her shoulder or not he should still be able to see .. " 

You're still here? Listen. They're playing "Li'l Red Riding Hood," by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs. "That's not an explanation!") 

Bill Wray's back for a reprise of "Just One Touch [The Love Theme from Private School .. for Girls]." 

This time Cates is singing along with him, though, because we need a little male/female harmony to play against a short "lost love" montage before Jim and Christine reconcile.

We know how upset Jim is because when Bubba asks him where the "old pizzaz" is and tells him he should "forget dumb old Chris and give Jordan a chance" he grabs him and says "I don't ever want to hear you say anything bad about Chris again!" (TV version YouTube commenter interruption: in the opinion of earlymtv, "bubba should whipped jims skinny little ass…[for girls]" for that.) 

Parents' Day starts with a scene between Jim and Christine's father that's so insignificant I stopped watching the movie to look up who played Mr. Ramsay, assuming he was an Associate Producer or an executive at Universal. No, just some actor.

Burke Byrnes, everyone

But, now that we know that while Christine "has a mind of her own" her father will "put in a good word for" Jim, let's go to the pool, where Rita's father is ogling Cherryvale girls in bikinis ("Did their parents not come or did they say 'I know we haven't seen each other in months but I'm going to go for a swim, maybe play some water volleyball?'"

I'm ignoring you.) 

We're introduced to Jordan's father, Mr. Leigh-Jenson (or is it Leigh-Jensen? IMDb has it both ways), who's being chauffeured around by Ray Walston ("People liked him in Fast Times, Mr. E."). Betsy convinces Christine to give Jim (who was in Jordan's room under a false pretense while she was semi-nude) another chance based on the logic that she's doing the same with Bubba (who was peeping on Jim and Jordan in her room while she was semi-nude) and "[c]ompared to Bubba anybody's a Saint." (What? Nothing to say now? "No, it's starting to feel like I'm piling on." You smug fuck.) 

Jordan's father is only around to explain why she might be the way she is. He's on his eighth Mrs. Leigh-Jenson/Jensen (and soon his ninth; that's coming up, too) and between him and Rita's father (who more or less cops a feel -- in close-up -- when he puts his arm around her in greeting) it's apparent that from a younger age she could easily have come to believe that the only way to get attention from the men in the Cherryvale set is to use your sex appeal. No casual misogyny here. Just casual Electra- .. uh, Electricity? That can't be right.

Ms. Copuletta is back. (Her first name is Regina. Is it "Ra-gene-uh" or "Ra-jine-uh?" If it was the latter shouldn't that have been mentioned? Another small critical aside if you'll allow it, Ben.) Rita's father accidentally knocks her into the pool so that Mr. Leigh-Jenson/Jensen can make out with her using an attempt at mouth-to-mouth resuscitation as a pretext (in time-honored movie fashion). Also so that in the future someone could add "Swimming in Underwear" to the list of Private School's IMDb keywords. (Which also include "Black Panties," "No Panties" and "Mismatched Bra and Panties." Ben Efraim and the people at IMDb both decided at some point that there was a market in catering to underwear fetishists.) 

Ray Walston's character is called "Chauncey," but since Tommy Lee Jones' character's butler in JFK is really named "Frankie Jenkins," not "Smedley," the character's actual name could be anything so let's stick with Ray Walston. Mostly so that I can type the following: Ray Walston is on the make with Ms. Dutchbok, who's mistaken him for Jordan's father and as far as can be discerned is willing to whore herself out for donations. (But really, when you saw how flimsy that riding top was .. ) They get into the back seat of Mr. Leigh-Jenson/Jensen's car and draw the curtains as Bubba and Betsy appear and get into the front seat because "no one" is going to find them in there. ("No one's going to notice them having sex in the front seat of a Rolls Royce in the parking lot?" Well, imagine that it's more that Bubba wants to prove to Betsy that he's the kind of a guy that'll do it anywhere. Even on the floor of a Rolls.) 

Bubba and Betsy overhear Ray Walston and Ms. Dutchbok in the back then get the idea to turn on the car's external loudspeaker (which must have a range of at least a couple hundred yards) so that everyone at the pool can hear the Walston/Dutchbok dirty talk, which is apparently hot enough to cause Bubba and Betsy to go back to what they were doing. 

Same idea as The Onion's "Ironic Porn Purchase Leads to Unironic Ejaculation?"

Ms. Dutchbok figures out that their voices are being amplified then lunges forward over the divide to attack Bubba in the front seat, Balbricker-style. The brake gets released. The Rolls slides down a hill and into the pool. Tick "Swimming in Underwear" off as an IMDb keyword if you hadn't before. Poolside bedlam. 

Tears. Laughs. Let's get to the climactic sequence already. 

Bubba and Roy see a reunited Jim and Christine off then move on to their own scheme, which is for Bubba to tell Jordan that Jim wants to meet her in his dorm room and then, well, let me just give you Roy's odds from there (I told you the gambling ring subplot was important): 

2-1 Bubba gets Jordan into the dorm 

4-1 Bubba gets any of Jordan's clothes off 

7-1 Bubba gets Jordan's top off ("Piece of cake, Roy" says Bubba. Roy was there at the equestrian field, wasn't he?) 

9-1 "Any actual bare tit." (See above.) 

12-1 Bubba gets Jordan "down to her panties" 

15-1 Bubba gets Jordan "mother ass naked" (Actually, he says "getting her mother ass naked." The odds should be higher for that, shouldn't they? Why would Jordan's mother be in the room?) 

22-1 Bubba "scores in any way, shape or form" (Are we playing by the rules of the TV version's The Big Score? If 1st Base counts this looks like another "[p]iece of cake" since as we'll see Bubba intends to cheat on some of these.) 

Jim and Christine arrive at the hotel where Christine's parents spent their honeymoon "twenty three years ago." (She knows the exact date. What's not to like about Christine?) There's a payoff for the earlier would be Hawks-ian "Ramsay no Green no Jones no Rams-Jones" scene. The bellboy

Steve Levitt, from Hunk 

walks them up to their room. There's so much attention given to tipping etiquette that even Quentin Tarantino would ask "Can we move on already?" (Though it leads to Jim's most charming moment in the movie where, once he gets the hang of it and Steve Levitt is duly appreciative, he says "I'll call room service. I'm dying to give that guy a tip again.") 

Back at the dorm, Jordan arrives (2-1's a winner), prompting more betting action but the gamblers are hesitant to take either Bubba or Roy's word for it about the other wagers so Bubba agrees to let one of them stay in the closet and watch. ("So of course they all end up staying?" You're making me proud. "Is that a poster of The Magnificent Sinner with Romy Schneider on the back of the door?" 

I guess? "The 1959 French film?" I shouldn't have encouraged you. I don't want any more interruptions, so understand that for 3/4 of the jokes in the scene to work you have to assume that in PSW females don't possess peripheral vision. 

"Fine.") 

Back at the hotel, we miss the one sequence where the TV version beats the theatrical. There's a deleted scene where, because he doesn't know any French and both the menu and the waiters are French ("The waiters?" Shut up. I mean it.), Jim orders something at random and the waiter asks incredulously "Monsieur wishes to order the cat's brains?" ("Cat's .. O.K. Maybe I don't know why they have it on the menu if the waiters are going to second-guess everyone who tries to order it but the idea itself is goofy enough to be kind of funny." Right? Those crazy Frenchies. Their ways are not our own. You know they were eating cat's brains while shooting Pierrot le Fou.) Then in the extended version of Jim and Christine in the bedroom we get a lingering shot of Matthew Modine stripped down to his boxer shorts (which may or may not do anything for you but it was the one time in the movie where they tried to give female viewers anything in-kind) and before Christine says that she doesn't want to go through with it because it's not perfect ("It's not sexy like it should be, Jack.") she explains that's she's "dreamed about" this since she was "a little girl." The first time she'd have sex? PSW! 

Bubba gets 4-1 and 7-1 to pay off (cue slot machine sound) by shaking a bottle of champagne until it pops and spills out all over Jordan's .. blue jumpsuit?

Cheater

She takes it off, revealing Mismatched Bra and Panties before Bubba comes back with a towel for her and .. asks her to dance. ("I can see her recognizing Jordan's car, but why is Betsy walking past Bubba's dorm?" 

The schools are clearly next to one another. "O.K. But .. " No, please. Go on. Get it over with. 

"So Bubba was ready to cheat to make 2-1, 4-1 and 7-1 pay off. Ignoring 15-1 .. " 

Right. Jordan's mother hasn't shown up. And Roy's in the closet with the others, so he can't break out the handbag and pearls. 

"What's his plan for 9-1, 12-1 and 22-1? This may be 'Private School World .. '" 

You say that with such disdain. 

"But is Bubba's logic supposed to be that once he gets her down to her Mismatched Bra and Panties it's a 'piece of cake' from there? What, if everyone in the world had to wear only their underwear there'd be sexual chaos since no one would have any reason NOT to have sex with the closest person available?"  

Be fair. Jordan is looking at Bubba in this picture: 

You blame him for getting the wrong idea? 

"Of course I do .. wait, is this that 'Da Da Da' song?" 

It is. 

"Did Jordan just have a protective layer get forcibly removed for the third time in this movie?"

Trapped under a bed, as promised

What a bod, huh? 

Mismatched Bra and Panties

"Polaroids again?" 

Hilarious! 

"That guy was hiding behind a fucking curtain?" 

Bubba just fell off the second story of a building again! This time on his back! 

I'm out of here." 

I told you to leave thirty minutes ago! 

Now that that schoolmarm's gone, let's bring this home with a slow jam. Oh yeah, that's "Just One Touch" again. Good call. Jim and Christine tried to force it but it didn't work. Once they meet up on the beach, make their apologies, talk their way through any misunderstandings that remain and pledge their love to one another, it's finally time for one of the boys to get some nookie. Against the waves, classy-like. After Swimming in Underwear.

(Interruption for IMDb continuity errors: #1 "Miscellaneous: During the beach scene with Jim .. and Chris .. gaffers tape is visible on Phoebe's left breast."

Hey, it is

If the RW was PSW, Betsy Russell would've slipped some gaffers tape onto Phoebe Cates' lunch tray one afternoon at craft services, causing Kathleen Wilhoite to fume and find the right moment to publicly pants Russell in revenge. 

#2 "Continuity: During the beach scene Jim and Chris are seen in the water completely submerged with their hair wet then in the following scene as they disrobe prior to having sex both have dry hair." I allowed you one, IMDb. You see that last shot? The sun is going down. That's right. Jim and Christine have been going at it all day long. Plenty of time for their hair to dry. And if she had clothes on while they were? That gown could've come from Cherryvale. You think Cherryvale fabric is going to get in the way of vaginal penetration? One more time: Matthew Modine's erect penis, like any man's = The Great and Powerful Oz. Don't doubt its power. And their hair wouldn't have gotten sweaty because you don't sweat when you're in love. 

On to graduation. "The Sex Teacher" is now Mrs. Regina Copuletta Leigh-Jenson/Jensen. Bubba is in drag again (You're not saying anything but I know you're still there. This one's for you: It's for a misguided Some Like It Hot homage. Happy, film snob? 

"Then why is Roy wearing a fake mustache and a fedora?" 

I knew you hadn't left! Here, hold my hand and enjoy this. 

"What's going to happen?" 

Let's just say the girls of Cherryvale have one more prank planned for Ms. Douchebag. 

"What? Oh. Ugh, why would they moon her? That's so lam .. " 

Surprise! 

"Hey! Give me back my top!" 

"How Do I Let You Know" blasts onto the soundtrack one last time.

Credits roll. 

"Masterpiece." 

Notes: 

Filmed at Whittier College, Richard Nixon's alma mater. He must've been proud of that in his declining years. 

Ben Efraim's non-ANW producing credits include Mitchell, my favorite MST3K episode. 

Private School's other producer was Dan Enright, from the '50s TV scandal depicted in Quiz Show, starring Rob Morrow .. who also starred in Private Resort. I blew my nose and then I blew your mind. 

It's Leigh-Jensen.