Notebooks on Cinema: The Last Boy Scout (1991)

"Great, the game's on. Go Stallions!

This is Stallions-Cats, isn't it? Why are they showing BYU and Texas A&M? The USC Marching Band? I don't know these names. Taylor Negron? Kim Coates? Do they play for Cleveland?

Did the rain short out the lights? Are they going to do something about that? Someone could get injured.

What channel is this on? They have a locker room cam? What if someone from the Cats is watching?

Billy Cole! My favorite Stallion. Hey, who gets to call him during the game? Is that part of some special season ticket package? We get to hear it? No privacy for the players these days. Whoever this guy is he's right, though. BC needs to get it in the end zone.

Maybe the attendance would be higher if the people in the crowd could see what was happening on the field. Ever think about that, Lynn Swann? Get off Shelly's back.

Vitamins? Good idea, Billy. What is that, like B for more energy?

FUMBLE!

Two minutes left in the game? It was just Halftime. Did I pass out or .. ? Stallions are still behind? Damn.

I don't know what kind of arty bullshit they're trying to pull off with some of these camera angles, but I've got to say this one's fantastic. Look at that. Whatever those vitamins were they're working. Look in that man's eyes. That's pure determination.

Cole in the flat. Go, Billy! Go! They can't shoulder tackle you. You're in the clear!

Uh, Billy ..

William?

Wow, um .. that's … well it's not what I would've done but that's why he's a pro. And did you see that marksmanship?

Right between the eyes. You wouldn't expect anything less. That's the kind of player Billy Cole is. Anyone else would've dinged it off the helmet. Not #41.

And look at those guys from Cleveland. Still trying to bring him down after they saw their teammate get shot in the head. That's the quality you want in a Linebacker or Safety.

Wait, why is everyone running onto the field? I haven't heard any whistles. Ref, what are you doing? I defy you to find where it says in the rulebook that you can't use a handgun. Raise your arms, that's a touchdown! Stallions, Stallions, Stallions! Let's get the kicking team out there and tie this up.

Oh, maybe they want to arrest him. That would make sense.

Billy no! Wait! They might try you in L.A. No true Stallions fan would vote to convict!

What a waste of a damn fine Running Back. Ain't life a bitch, indeed.

So, we get an extra draft pick next year, right?"

Unanswered Questions

1. Is Ray's outburst ("HEY, FUCK YOU, YOU LOSER") when Jimmy casually reminds him that holding someone's head under the water in a Jacuzzi

could result in that person's drowning death the best cinematic depiction of "Roid Rage?" Or does that distinction still belong to Lawrence Taylor chainsawing a car in half in Any Given Sunday?

2. If you're one of the main characters in a movie and you're going to be cuckolded, is Mike (Bruce McGill)

the most humiliating option possible? How does he compare to Alan Marciano (Hank Azaria) from Heat? ("Who? Who? What are ya, a fuckin' owl?") He's no Ralph (Xander Berkeley), that's for sure. ("Hey, shut up. Ralph, SIT DOWN.")

3. If there's collectible memorabilia for strippers,

what would be the value of Charlie Spradling's rookie card? Assume it's in mint condition.

4. What's more frightening, this squirrel

or Furry Tom?

5. Is there not going to be a 20th Anniversary Blu-Ray with deleted and extended scenes? Because I'd still like to find out if the dog who went after this tennis ball

survived when Mike's car blew up. I'd also like to know the fate of the Big Pimp-Lookin' Motherfucker With a Hat.

Last we saw him, he was clutching his throat and calling Hallenbeck a "bastard." Did he return to the Caribbean to convalesce? Does he plan to get Joe back? Is he in training to try to ignore his jokes next time?

6. Maybe he could come after him in a sequel. What gives, Bruce Willis? Since then we've had The Whole Ten Yards and they're in pre-production for a fifth Die Hard but no Last Boy Scout II: The Revenge of Satan Claus?